monica’s bodega

there’s something wrong.? is it because of or of another thing… think think monica.

one thing i hate most about being in love is when i hate myself because im stupid.

"with me, you don’t have to be fancy or talk in a special way…

you don’t have to mind your manners or wear your best clothes and shoes…

you don’t have to pretend you’re happy when you’re feeling sad…

with me you can cry… you can laugh out loud…

you can speak your mind or say nothing at all…

you don’t have to try hard to impress me… ‘coz with me you can just be you and i appreciate you for what you are"

natuwa lang ako masyado sa quote ni popo nung bday ni kim

haha i’m a fan of that quote from now on.

i’m feeling weird. i don’t know and i don’t like this. think monica.

ciao.

*salute

hi bLog! I soo lurve how you’re dressed up today! Yah, so much for the black and gloomy atmosphere although most of my entries are about my whims that i don’t tell my friends. (*whispering* they’re all too busy to bug)

puuuurrrple, coz its in style. Oh no. My purpose of bugging you this late night is(uhm) of course my drama. I’ve been looking forward to this yet im not effing starting a good cause for any human to keep reading my words. Dang! It was just like 5 minutes ago when my ideas are clear to me. Pfft. I can’t find a good layout (im just lazy coz i looked up only 1 site :D) and A HOLY NEW PICTURE! it’s been centuries since my last vanity session with the camera.

–getting started (at long last) I hate myself. Why do i take soooooooo long finishing things i know i can do in a shorter time? Where the heck do i go wrong? Sabi ko dahil di ako pumasok ngayon, dapat after reading the mag, i will read the lessons, copy the lectures, exercise, take a bath, and go online. I left all the "academics" there in a corner waiting for a lizard’s visit. Haha.

– My mind was like really going berserk this afternoon (good thing a LOLO’s drama didn’t get out of hand). TIME TIME TIME! Would you please slow down? i can’t catch up. i almost cried of desperation. Often times when my feelings get succumb to guilt and sadness, i get "emotional breakdowns". Of course i run to the room full of our clothes and cry till i get tired. It’s hard, but i could never quit.

–I’m losing my sanity on what to prioritize. I feel very guilty when i see my mom & our helper work around the house all day while i watch TV, read, and use the computer until midnight. hindi naman ako senora dito. naguguluhan ako. dapat ba akong tumulong? [ i feel that i do my part in fixing stuff here at home. but on second thought, i fix MY (according to mom) stuff. parang ang selfish diba. two sides are arguing in my mind. where does this feeling come from?] hayay. i feel helpless from time to time. This isnt a house, nor a home. :’( nakakaiyak namang talaga. May lupa kami, may maayos na building structure pero ang dami dami daming nakakalulang gamit na hindi ko maintindihan. floor plan? nevermind. may kwarto, hindi naman sa kwarto natutulog. Maybe it isn’t but still it is the disarrangement of things here that confuses me. Everything is not in place as well is my mind. Sometimes it’s too vulnerable to stress etc. Kelan ba ko maggiging normal? :’( dati i remember, i hate my height because im too tall for my peers but i guess i’ve learned how to embrace it. (another one that was learned through pain). hay. Where could i possibly find the answers to this. Why can’t i live with what i have and where i’m at? I could have looked at the bright side, and just have accepted it. oh man. I can’t direct my emotions. :’( Pano ba? hindi ko magawang maging masaya dito na ganito. I want a room of my own where no one else will coexist with me! privacy please. my cry is impossible. damn. Everyday i breathe my mom’s nagging. It never fails to tear my heart. I’m so hungry of motherly affection. oo parang ngayon ko lang naamin, kasi dati laging raised eyebrows ako jan sa topic na yan. Ang hirap huminga. kaso hindi ka naman palaging iiyak na lang. Bakit ganto? maaayos ko pa kaya to? fairy godmother… (asa naman ako)

I know the only answer to all of these sentiments is the Lord. For with him you shall never feel uncontent.

eto naman ang araw araw kong nararamdaman ngayong summer(kulang pa to). nahihirapan na ko. di ko alam kung ano bang dapat kong ginagawa. mag-aaral ba ko? gagawin to? yun? ANO?!

ayan i lost count! haah. napakwento kasi sa magbabalot ng ugly duckling drama ko. ilang taon ko na yan tanong, hindi ko parin nasasagot. Is it possible to always stay in the right way? parang hindi… lahat ng tao napapadpad sa alternate route. pfft. It depends on the intensity nlng. 

masyado ka nang napapahaba blog. sana pagkagising ko bukas ng umaga alam ko na sagot sa mga tanong ko sayo. teka, Is there any significant difference between blogging what i feel and not doing it? (research question format. hay RISCI) ano sa tingin mo blog? lalong sumikip ata dibdib ko. pfffft. sana ibigay ni Jesus sagot sakin mamaya. salamat sa space. LOL.

always and forever will be,

monica! yey! (nyek)

+ sabi ni Jamie, "Buti Mon, nakakangiti ka pa kahit nangyayari yan sayo. Para kang walang pinoproblema, palagi kang nakatawa at nagpapatawa." oo nga. pasitib naman ee (^.^) asus kala mo naman malalang catastrophe e. lalang to.

<font face="Bookman Old Style"> my back is aching now that i am able to access my blog. rawr.

    Will i or will i not continue this post? [ ayan nanaman, FICKLE FICKLE minded. like it takes me five hundred eeny-meeny-miny-mos to pick a choice]

    Firstly, I said to myself yesterday that I. NEED. TO. FINISH. WHAT. I. WANTED. MYSELF. TO. DO. TODAY. unfortunately, i will fail to complete all. hmmm but there’s a positive side, i accomplished majority and just missed two. hay. i’m almost there! ( palagi ko nlng binabali sinasabi ko. aynako.)

monica. kaya pa? haha as if naman pwede kang sumagot ng hindi. Para kang sumugod sa gyera para magpapapatay nalng. anyway, i’ll start with my friends.

– natuwa naman ako kanina sa status ni jane sa ym. (^.^) hehe. mababaw kaligayahan ko, simpleng ganun ang saya saya ko na. parang ang importante ko. :)) pero pero pero, halos wala naman akong naitutulong. hndi ko nga masyadong alam nangyayari. kaylangan bumawi sa mga kaibigan kong mahal (ayks!). Naisip ko, baka mali yung inaadvice ko, tama din sinabi ni Steph eh. Pero, depende talaga sa tao yan kung pano ibabalanse (exactly where i suck - a little)

– i wonder hard… why whenever ( well, more frequent than not) im with Steph and kemes for that take, I can be like the gloomiest me I can be. Dahil ba yun sa super comfortable ka dahil alam nila mga drama ng buhay mo o may kailangan akong katukin sa makulit kong subconscious mind para magtino? [ nakakapagod na din kasi tumawa, mangulit, at magsaya na alam mong malungkot ka talaga. There's simply no point pretending.] [ In the back of my mind there's this thought saying, " isn't it the work of a pessimist?"]  balik sa topic, hindi na kami nakapagusap ni Steph about the friendship. Monica kasi duwag. Why does it seem harder to talk to people closest to you? ang totoo, nahihiya ako. boxed up si feelings. kelan kaya lalaya? (makata hah)

– Hay. Isa pa si Rose Mhin. nakakalungkot. Pwede pa kayang maging katulad dati? I know it’s my fault. :’( A feeling similar to maybe losing a sister. No matter how many times i cry and beg, there’s no turing back. (wushu, cliche na ata yan ah) naalala ko nung grad, sorry ako ng sorry at umiiyak ng wlang hanggan parang wla namang nangyari. Hay. kung magbago kaya ako? watcha theenk? hmmm.

–namimiss ko na si Jamie. DLSU xa, ang layo. kung dati minuminuto ata ng araw araw eh alam namin ginagawa ng bawat isa, ngayon bihira detalye sa balita. pfffft. sana magka-himala para mgkasama kami! bestfriend ko.

inaantok nko.

–>> ang gulo. hindi ko maintindihan ang mga lalaki. Should i reveal the "scorecard" to exlpain why it failed? Totoo naman ba kaya yung naramdaman nun sakin? parang lumipat/nilipat lang ah. nice.

–>> Hindi ako sanay ng may kahati sa kahit ano. Siguro kasi only child kaya sanay na ako lang, sakin lang lahat. Hmm. Bakit nga kaya ayoko nang "nauulit" sakin yung special n bagay na ginawa para sa ibang tao? siguro kasi dpat may originality! (joke time). Respeto sa pinagsamahan tska parang regard and allotment na ito para dito, iyan para diyan. For Questions, comments and suggestions, ask me elephant juice!

<–> ang sarap talagang umiyak noh? It cleanses your soul, unclogs pores and whitens skin! (joke time ulit). Kaasar kanina, sarap pakamatay sa work out (parang lalaki eh noh) ayaw naman ako maiyak. Good thing naiyak ko kanina. wohooo!!!

Im STILL not yet done with the freakin "Healing for the Father Deprived Daughter" book. Dami kong nalaman dun. Pero mahirap i digest. Mahirap din magpatawad sa taong hindi humihingi ng tawad. Thoughts like, "this is all his fault" crosses my mind especially when i know my mom would be like that if only… Its damn hard to be alone in struggles. Sabi sa book, "Mommy is too busy coping with the stress of losing a bastard-(edited by ME)" Soo true. I have to me my own hero, my own bestfriend, my own mother, my own teacher, my own sister, my own enemy, my own self actually.

"ang alam mo lang magpasarap at magpasocial" Ang sakit naman. Hindi naman ako yan. :’( Just when i thought you are my hero, you turned out to be my best critic. I thought i could go home to mommy and ‘make sumbong’, but no. I went home to receive the best rejects. hay. sabihin mo sakin, saan ako pupulot ng confidence? There was no one for me but myself.

papagod nko. gusto ko naman maging bata. yung binibigay sa kanya ang buong araw para maglibang. Gusto ko manood ng cartoons, ng anime, mag laro sa kalye, mangapitbahay, mangaroling, etc. hay. sumosobra na ‘ko.

give me time. i can’t be evrything now.

antok na. saka nlng.

How am i suppossed to go home when the four corners of our house fails to shelter my heart.

nagiinarte,

taong grasa

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