monica’s bodega

AYUN. STORM OF THOUGHTS RUMBLE IN MY MIND.

ALL I KNOW IS IM SAD. DEPRESSED ACTUALLY. (furst time to admit i am. well my pride is getting lower. i have no right to have pride. im DUMB.)

well. yes im eager to grow up and learn be a better person. serve my purpose on earth. but. ganto ba talaga lumaki? sakit ah. ayko na.. hehe. joke. gnun b tlga. hirap. tae. uhm. iyak lng yn. di nman ako mkaiyak. LEAVE ME ALONE ?? evn for an hour.. ayayay. sbagy.. drama lang nman to. ill never run out of reasons to keep going bcoz.. GOD MADE ME SO RIGHT. IM JUST SO WRONG. when will i ever learn. when will i ever be what i was made to be. i have wasted too much to keep doing the same. (is this desperateness? opening my feelings to a blog i only read? i now find it hard to share myself with other people. TOO AFRAID of being JUDGED. has been promised to be ACCEPTED WHEN IN REALITY was NEVER.

ano na? hehe. labo oh. monica monica monica. kulit mo. haha! cra na ulo ko…

NAGBABANTA ANG AKING NAKARAAN! :)) haha.. while i am about to enter the real world,the ‘life’ i had before slowly flashes back on me.. putting up little reminisces.. hehe.. i have been different. but i must not regret any of what had comprised who i am today.

.. i feel numb. tae. i felt hope. i felt an opening somewhere.. a clue. a hint. of the very thing that makes me incomplete.. pero.. prng sndali lng ung effect. after hours, di man lang ako na bother ? weird. could he still be alive ? wow. may tatay pla ako. haha.. db dpat galit ako? im even a little eager.. hmm.

.. wow. i type like enthusiastic. when in reality im crying inside. i dunno why i cant let this out. maybe im tired of crying in the pillows. i wanna ry somewhere else. i wanna cry to somebody. MAYBE i wud want to have someone beside me maybe.. the least to hear.. kahit hindi na to listen to my sentiments.. but where is that person? i dunno. im thinking of a lot of possible ones. but i dont call on them whenevr i feel like this. i dont. well maybe then, i should? no. it will come. i believe. haha. tae ah. galit si mommy. di ko na kaya eh. sorry ah. tao lang ako. di ako perpekto. diko kaya maging yung anak na gusto mo. ako to, tanggapin mo. kung dimo magwa, okay lang. diko ipipilit. basta gsto ko natural lang ako. someday i know, i will be appreciated. you will see. i will prove you. im worth a lot. not just mere nicks. wait for me. i will.

….. sana lang kung nasasabi ko to. pero hndi e. tanga ko lang. ayoko na. parang sasabog nko. ow well.. kylangan na ilabas dito mga drama kc monday na bukas. i cant afford to be this sad tomorrow. got a lot lot lot of work to do!

… BTW. tang inang mga lalake yan. gago! nakakadiri. MEN, PLEASE SEND ME THE BEST MAN YOU EVER KNEW.. SO THAT I COULD STILL BELIEVE REAL MEN EXISTS. puta, MGA BAKLA! you got no balls! GAY! nakakadiri kayo. GOD DIDNT MAKE MEN TO BE GRRRRR. bastos!!! puro kbastusan, kalibugan, worldly! flesh! flesh! saksak nio sa baga nio! kadiri!!! papanget nio. yuck. kaya nakakabwisit lang magbyahe eh. tangna. magsusuot ka ng kagalang galang na damit e nagagago kna.. panu pa kaya? tang na! magtino kayo. pakalalake nga kayo!!! GAY.

nakakapikon sila hah… die. haha..

back to my effing drama. im DUMB. wishing not to be hopeless. haha..

make me happy. please do.. anyone ?? dont get fused by my bitterness.. theres this little gurl inside.. ako.. knock knock.. answer my call.. (T.T) come.. dont get deceivd by me.. closer.. hush..listen.. its beating.. fast.. deep.. meaningful.. stay.. even for a while.. :I (would you?  i need.. … badly)

gosh. i never even thought this would happen to me.

nakakatuwa. icpn mo..

-papasok ka ng isang normal na umaga.. na mejo feeling blessd dahl sa mga nakakaapreciate sayo ( weird no.. whats with me today? ) pero aalis ng bhay na mejo lang masungit nalang sa di malamang dahilan. pagdting sa skool, napakaaga.. wla pang halos tao.. magsasapatos at tutunganga. magiicp.. at ayun.. magakakaron na pala ko kaya npakasungit ko. BIRO MO? KALA Q SABI SABI LNG YUN NG MATATANDA.. at aun… nabilad sa quadra. damn hot. tapos. normal na practice.. normal din na ako.. daming tumatakbo sa icp. tulala.. absent minded.. tamad. ako na mas may improvement dahil sa mas madals na pagsmile.. kc masaya nga nman ang mundo! problems will olweiz be problems and we’ll always have to deal with them. forever! hmm.. tapos.. nagbabasa ng libro na gagwan ko ng bookreport ngayong linggo.. habang nakikipagchikahan sa mga tao… na trip kong gawin.. bukas, sa dorm naman ako tatambay. hmm… hanggang sa ambilis ng oras.. wala lang araw.. naglaro lng ng volleyball ng konti.. tapos nagmeeting.. nagasikaso ng GSP.. maya maya gabi na! uuwi.. kmusta naman kaya ang date ni nina at ramon? wee..

-how weird.. ung crux crux-an ko.. ay gs2 yung crux D.A.W. ako.. katuwa naman yon! well.. :))

-soobrang sayang kwentuhan wid frends.. PELO, THANKS FOR REMINDING ME HOW SIMPLE LOVE IS. :)) i feel inspired.. saya.. AYOON.. tapos..

-tapos… suddenly…  i felt like crying.. hanggang sa makarating dito sa bahay..ayun. after decades.. lumabas din yung iyak here inside. txt pko kay rmo.. that im crying for the most stupid reason. maybe… i just felt like crying.. nakakaiyak nman db? haha..  nakakamiss na pa nga. hay. BAKIT KYLNGANG MAGING GNTO? it makes me sad. but yeah, people make life complicated. its sad that we make it comlicatd even its fckn simple. i hate pride. aw. how i wish i could still see that man i used to cry on before.. naalala ko tuloy. sana kahit minsan, makausap ko pa yun.. sana kahit minsan makabalik pako sa panahon.. wala lng..  i could have died there.. i could have.. then, i’d be happy.. hay. please let me go back to time.. for a second feel how nice it was to feel YOU. aww. sad :( BAKIT GANUN NOH? bakit ba kasi may PRIDE   pa eh..

+_ _ tapos.. when crying time is over, kaen time naman.. tapos bglang dumating na si mommy. sa diko inaasahang pagkakataon. AKALA KO TALAGA SA TLESERYE LANG NANGYAYARE TO. AKALA KO NEVER TO MANGYAYARE SAKN. AKALA KO HNGGANG SA TANONG LANG NILA TO… wow.. bigla akong nagkaron ng clue sa kalahati ng pagkatao ko.. ang daming kong iniisip na pwedeng mangyari.. sinimulan ni mommy.. wow tlga… may tatay pala ako noh?

-ang galing lang talaga. nararamdaman ko na kasi… bsta ngayon fourth year.. may something about my father na mangyayare… YUN PALA YUN.. hmmm…   nakakagulat. bukas kapg may chance, i aanounce ko to sa mic.. para alam ng lahat ng frends kooo.. diba???

ayon. ayun lang. wala nang kwenta tong blog ko… naghanap lang ako ng kausap na di sasagot.. hehe.. i always wanted someone that wud listen to me. weird ako. oo. ksi kpag nagtatnung na sila.. dko cnasgot ng buo.. ksi mxdong mgulo yung mga nsa utak ko…… kahit tong post na to.. di kunpleto.. at least nakatulong… hehe..

-hmm.. di nagreply si memak at pachog. wla lng.. mhlga to pra skn.. pkrmdam ko malapit nkong mabuo..

haha…

IM FICKLE MINDED. im refrshed about love.. nainggit tuloy ako.. ahah…. cnung baboy kaya ang papasan sakin palabas?

AS IF. erase erase. i shud not be thought of. hehe… uhm… uhm…

EVERYTIME I FACE  PEOPLE, THEY  SEE ME AS THE ONE VERY SURE OF MYSELF. AS IF IM STRONG OF COMPOSED. BUT EVERYTIME I FACE MYSELF IN THE MIRROR. I CAN SEE SCATTERED PIECES OF SOMEONE STRUGGLING TO INDIVIDUALITY.  ang hirap. pero kaya ko. gusto ko. gagawin ko!

BLESSED DAY! ALWAYS KEEP IN GOD’S LIGHT!

furful!!

haha..

prang ang labo pla ng blog post ko.. hehe.. kc naman inis nko eh… ngaun ngaun lng tumatahimik buhay ko matapos yung intrams at camp… ngccmula plang ako..

narealize kong ang dami kong pinapalagpas! I SHOULD SEIZE THE MOMENT.. LAST N TO.. there will never be another than this! haha… (pngaralan daw srili? hmm)

uhm.. uhm.. uhm.. bnlog ko pa ksi.. bkt gnun? kpag gnto mga times, sobrang articulate ko.. pero kpag formal speaking in front of a crowd.. english mental block.. kay bobo ko talaga.. haha!!!

okay.. okay.. YES.. I ENTERTAIN… most especailly kung PAPASANIN AKO PALABAS NG KAHON nato.. :)) LOL… ( ang badoooy!!!)

yun… pero… friendship is the best!!! yun lang.. ;p

nga pala.. NAPAKA TRAY KO NA BA TLGA??? :’( im so done with that issue… hmph… okay lang. weird ko.. oo nga noh.. kpag nkasimangot prang npakataray ko.. tas kpag nakangiti, parang ang saya saya ko… haah! aun ako eh.. ol i nid ta do s prove you wrong… its just that… evrytime i smile, i mean it!

ayun!

good nytie nyt!

Im just FED UP. oh well maybe there’s really no point of doing this effing blog post. but im getting PISSED OFF.

first. IF EVER,,, there are ppl outta there who think that im flirting. IM TELLING YOU, YOU SUCK! you are oh soooo stoopid and ENVIOUS. ayt? im SIMPLY being true to myself..i dont need to do YOUR BUSINESS.. get it? copy me if u want.. IM SO USED TO IT! :)) (im being nasty..)

Next, i confess.. IM REALLY EXHAUSTED. i promise. I DONT WANNA LOVE LOVE LOVE YET. please (leeve me alone until i get outta the box?) JOKE.

–+maybe if i’ll be fetched from my box.. papasanin ako paaalis..ASA+–

dko maipaliwanag. pero. i told myself petty affairs wud be okay but FOR NOW, AKO MUNA. ganto kasi yan ee..

…>> I AM TRYING MY BUTTS OF GETTING BACK TO MY OLD SOCIALIZING ABILITIES. IM TRYING TO BE AS FRIENDLY AS I WERE TO STRANGERS WHOM I USED TO CRACK CONVERSATIONS WITH INSTANTLY. paunti unti.. yun nga lang, tinatamad akong makipag txt.. darn.. booring. joke! kasi they’re oll like, flirting. i dont have time for that now. and i dont even want to make time for it. :)) uhm..

im not like, not giving chance or not entertaining men. its just, im not responding well. tinatamad ako. nakakapagod. drained nko sa recent na lurve lurve effing lurve ko. LOL. Im telling you!!! I EVEN LET SOME1 I REALLY LIKED (liked lng naman) just bcoz.. wrong time.. and blah blah blah. AND ONE THING, 2 MONTHS PA LANG nakakalipas. i would be very disrespectful if i do that.. i know what’s right, and i wnna do what’s right even if eyes roll after me. si God ang batas di tao.

hMm.. but otherwise,,, i do entertain. DKO PNAGDADAMOT YUNG CHANCE. kung tutuusin, madami dami na rin na POTENTIALS.. pero.. i just watched them pass by.. haha! ayaku ng prblema.. joke! TINATAMAD LNG TLGA KO. IM DAMN EXHAUSTED.

next thing, i remember a quote saying.. "A GIRL ONLY NEEDS ONE MAN. ONE FCKIN MAN THAT WUD PROVE HER THAT NOT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME". sa aking hamak na opinyon at pananaw, I HAVE FOUND HIM. yes i have. ( sa isang maliit na populasyon lng ng tao nakabatay to.. and its also kinda LAPSE coz i dont know evryone that personally. ) I’VE FOUND HIM. And im soo happy that we are friends. i will treasure him as my friend coz he is a man worth the cry. basta, tunay xang  lalake dahil MARUNONG XANG MAGPAKALALAKE. oo pwedeng di xa "cool" but it doest count. its the soul… im thankful for ya!!..

and then, eto eto eto… xa… alm mo.. COOPERATE. help URSELF. please do. alam mo kung tutuusin, dpat rn akong mgalit sau kc IN SOME WAY, U R USING ME.. but i tolerate that.. its just. LET ME LIVE IN PEACE AND enjoy NATURALLY. darn! pwede ba namang ganyan? kinikilabutan nko sa gnagwa mo. fine wtever if u are serious or what…. it doesnt matter…. as long as u keep it HUMANE. im begging you. pwede nmang sublte lang dba? naiirita n ksi ako. sorry to speak this harsh. but i dont have the patience to explain  cheesy. lets make it friends! wud that be fine???

BOW. im tired. and restless. let me.. we oll get exhausted.. its just my turn now.. God bless! i hope… (…)   

yes.. indeed. its time to be a big girl now. and big girls know when to cry. :))

im just happy fer yesterday.. hehe.. they spent 8 hours together? its nice… bonding!! how i wish it was.. but then, things are heating up again just like what happend  this dinner.. i hope not.

okay.. fine. they’re gone. when will i see them again? hay. I WANNA GO TO AMERICA na… i wnna leave meh fckin life here.. joke, its not  fuckn..

i badly need a BREAK. haarrr. as if i wud ever get that trapped in this watever. sabi ko nga, gusto ko sumama kay mam rain!!! they say sa personality ko diko magagawa yun? hmm.. lets see. i i wud be given d chance to prove it, i wud. ill make yall see.. i can leave everything. evrything for HIM. in the first place, he gave this to me. haha! im barely getting the hang of "luho".

it seems like my body’s operating on a  automatic basis. naninibago ako ngayon na di pa busy. na di aq papunta punta sa ganto gnyan.. IRONIC that is. haynku kulet tlga ng mga tao! ol i wanna do is sleep. hehe.. i want a break. a break. a break.

hmm. o lot of things are coming my way. hay. i still regret my foolishness. IF ONLY, I COULD HAVE BEEN. phrases of the most stupid ppl that have existed. now what do i have? i dont get to enjoy and do what i am supposed to.

now, i know. im learning agian. YIPEE!!! that, I CANT GET IT ALL. I HAVE TO CHOOSE. and its damn hard to do. bkt b dming kong gusto? bkt gnun… I SHOULD CHOOSE ONE. oh..

i wont put BLAME TO GOD OR TO LIFE. coz its my decisions that defy me. God didnt promise a comfortable life.. he promised to be with us through the trouble we could nevr image we would face.

OONGA PLA. KAUNG 5! kulet…ganto lang yan eh. ang aarte nio bwct! JOOOKE! kiddin mahn.

- bkt b kc kau ngpapaka trantado ha ??? dahil wla na xa? bilang gurl. i shud say this. i know girls agree feeling this same thing ah..

_ _ _ sa biruan, xempre ang sayang sbhn nung "anu b yan, nwala lng aq ngkgnyan n.. wawa nman.." yung mga ganyan na tipo ng biro. pero deep inside.. I GIRL WOULD FEEL SHE WAS LOVED RIGHFULLY BY YOU, SHE BE HAPPY AND THANKFUL, NOT REGRETTING ANYTHING THAT WENT THROUGH. if she sees you BEING THE BEST YOU CAN. WHY??? bkt kylangan mgpkatrantado? coz shes gone? doing that would prove that you have not really grew up. you didnt learn. that you were a kind of insincere.

IT IS ONLY WHEN YOU LOVE URSELF ENOUGH THAT YOU COULD LOVE OTHERS SO MUCH. meaning;kung after niang mwala sayo eh minahal at inalagaan mo sarili mo, it means minahal mo tlaga siya ng totoo kasi mahal mo sarili mo. gets??? and also, yung sa mga nabago ng isang babae sayo?? KAPAG BUMALIK KA SA PAGGAWA NON, WLA KNG ISANG SALITA. U’RE INSINCERE. coz the girl’s desire NEVER changes. it just kept after ‘relationships’ but it never fades. if she sees you still practicing what you have promised her, its like being loved by a crowd she doesnt know. 

KAYA MAG AYOS AYOS KAYO HA??? KULET EH. TRUST ME. kht kauspn ko cla eh… GIRLS ARE ALL ALIKE IN THAT MANNER. promise! ;p